Thursday, February 12, 2009

The Octomom Stimulus Bill of 2009

Congressional bills that gather public attention are often given names to personalize them, so that we can put a person’s face to the injustice addressed by the bill. Hence we have the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, and the Ryan White Care Act for AIDS funding, But so far the stimulus bill has just been, well just the “Stimulus Bill” or the “Stimulus Package” in the public mind, and this may be one reason why the public is less than enthusiastic.

To me, however, it should be named the Octomom Stimulus Bill of 2009, because if there is one person in America who personalizes all the subsidies and incentives that the bill contains, it is Nadya Suleman. You see, it’s all about “helping families” and Nadya’s little family is one in desperate need of truly heroic assistance. No doubt her current food stamp allotment is insufficient for their needs, and so the bill has increases for that. The federal Medicaid system and California’s Medi-Cal system are running deep deficits, and so additional funds are being appropriated so that the Neonatal ICU costs (running into the millions of dollars) for 8 premature births can be covered. Nadya lives off the disability payments for some of her other children, and they’ll be increased. Sadly, when you have 8 premature births, it is all too likely that at least a few of them will suffer from some disability, and so Nadya can look forward to better times ahead. Nadya lives off public assistance and her parents went bankrupt from a “bad real estate investment” – no doubt they were fleeced by some greedy bankers. So we can all be thankful that there are provisions in the Octomom Stimulus Bill of 2009 to help families just like these.

We have to “invest in our future” so there are copious finds for education, like increases in Pell grants. Nadya, of course, plans on living off “student loans” in the near term, and she’ll use college daycare facilities (also increased by the plan) while she is pursuing the rigorous and exacting demands of a degree in counseling. With 14 children she’ll no doubt do very well with the increases in the Child Tax credit and the Earned Income Tax Credit.

In the heydays of Stalin and Breshnev, the Soviet Union was peppered with posters of heroic labor in the form of huge, broad-shouldered men working in steel plants, striving mightily to meet the production goals of the latest Five Year Plan. Obama – no novice when it comes to iconography - should fill the nation with posters of Nadya. We want jobs, and this woman is perhaps the most heroic creator of jobs in our time. Think of the nurses and doctors caring for her newborns. Think of the daycare workers that California State University will have to hire at public expense. We’ll need more special ed teachers. She’ll need to employ lawyers to help her continue to game the subsidy system. Think of the increased demand for school construction and “infrastructure” that will be needed to house and transport her little brood.

Octomom is a hero of modern American labor.

At first glance, you would think all of this is a burden on the taxpayers. It isn’t. Right now we’re still in the flush years, when we can lower taxes, increase spending and blissfully ignore the fact that foreign creditors fund our daily living. The Octomom Stimulus bill is just the latest manifestation of this madness. There is a bubble in Treasury debt as sure as there was a housing bubble, and a dotcom bubble before that. Of course the Chinesee and Arabs will continue to buy our debt. They’ll always be happy to make the sorts of “investments in the future” that we dare not ask our own taxpayers to fund.

And why wouldn’t they? Loaning us money so we can fund the likes of Octomom is such a sound investment! Sure, there might be a net drain on the economy for the next decade or so while we nurse these children, care for them while mom is at school, and then pay counselors to deal with their neglect. But once this woman gets her state-subsidized degree in counseling, I’m sure she’ll be a productivity dynamo. I’m sure patients will be lining up at her office door and she’ll be making millions of dollars a year, so she can repay, through taxes, all those subsidies. You can tell from her personal insight and level-headedess that she’ll be in great demand as a counselor.

Never mind that Nadya’s own mom has one of these “soft” degrees as well: a degree in “Child and Adolescent Development.” We can all take comfort in the belief that increased funding for child development education is the best guarantee that our children will grow up to be mature, responsible, and productive adults like Nadya.

Completely absent from the Octomom Stimulus Bill of 2009 is any recognition that we can restore the health of our economy by making things and providing services that other nations will pay for. We’ll invest much more in education, which, increasingly in modern America means not investment in providing an engineering education, but rather in training some adults to console and counsel other unhappy adults. The Octomom Stimulus Bill is built on the bubbly delusion that the rest of the world will blindly invest in the spawning, cuddling, coddling, and counseling of future Americans.

Gosh . . . I feel so, so … stimulated!


Grace Explosion said...

What was her life oven sullied with to produce octuplets?? A syringe??

God designed a syringe-free experience of procreation.

Her "life oven". Hmmmmmm... poor dear.

Sweating Through fog said...


I took the quote out. It turns out it was just a parody. Poor checking on my part.

Thanks for stopping by.

zoltankemeny said...

It's difficult to laugh at something so true...but man, has there ever been a time in this country when laziness and irresponsibility has been rewarded more than this? Good point on the pointless college degrees too. Less focus on the humanities would be a good start.

konnie said...

However in my opinion, such 'soft' degrees may come in handy. This is because i feel that child development during the early stages is extremely important and no parent should ever forget that.

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